has been one of the scariest years of my life. i have experienced some of the biggest highs and lows i’ve ever known. i also grew up in a lot of ways, and, funnily enough, got younger, too.

i got so depressed i didn’t know what to do. and i got offered help.

and i took it. that was probably the hardest thing i’ve ever done, admitting that i had lost control of my body and my mind and that i needed other people to help me fix it.

i lost approximately 15-16 pounds (well, it was about 20 until recently, but let’s go with where i am now) from my highest weight from about last january.

i cut out people that made me feel like shit and who didn’t love me. and i accepted the fact that sometimes i had to do what made me healthy.

i started running. i also started telling the truth.

i went to france with one of my best friends and saw some really amazing things and also felt a little part of me expand, one part that realized she could really use what she learned in school in life.

i went to the second funeral of my life and the only one that has ever meant something to real to me. i got a little shock to the system about the impermanence of life.

i have started to realize i cannot be wonder woman. i’ve been battling it for a while now. i cannot be always right. i can’t be the best. and i am trying with all of my being to learn to be okay with just who i am 

i went to college. i learned that i am not what this little bubble of a town has made me, not entirely. i am much stronger and more interesting and more capable; sometimes you need a change, a big, scary one to figure it out.

i started thinking about how it was okay to just be my age and who i am. maybe, just maybe, it would be okay to relax, be a freshman in college, love taylor swift, wear short tight dresses and high heels and be super silly on the weekends. maybe it’s okay just to be nineteen.

i think the biggest things i’ve done this year are filed under two main categories: truth and acceptance. telling the truth, asking for truth, accepting that everyone needs help, and asking for help. simple maybe, but some of my biggest challenges to date.

i am not firm in my belief that i will find love in 2011, be 100% okay, or even be better than i was in 2010. but i think i have a lot more hope and faith in the fact that who i am is enough.